If I Could Send 14 Year Old Me A Letter It Might Go Like This…

Dear 14 Year Old Self…
Just when you feel like you’ve come over a breaking point you are going to go to a party and you are going to meet a boy.  He will be nice to you.  He will promise you a better life and spoil you with things you have never had.  He will make you fall in love.  Things will be good for a while and you will really trust him. And once you do he will break you.
He’s going to take you away from your family, he will choke you, beat you and stab you.  He will let his uncle rape you. And he will trick you into prostitution. You wont go to school anymore because your mom will work there and see all your bruises.  He will threaten you mom. And
Your dad. He will almost murder you a few times.  He will get you pregnant and theN beat you until you miscarry.  You will catch felony drug charges for him that will follow you the rest of your life…so don’t talk to him.  Don’t accept the drink he tries to give you at that party for your own good.
He will sell you to someone else when he is done with you and you will never get out of the Game.  At least not until after several runins with the police and a final sting operation that breaks you.  You will talk to the police because they say they will get you out.  But then you will be wrapped up in some investigation so deep that all you wanna do is scream.
The dates you will see while you trick?  They will come in all forms.  Old and young. Married, divorced and single.  They will ask you horrible things.  Some of them will hurt you too.  They will slip you drugs when you are not looking.  Some will treat you well but it will make you feel even more guilty.  And ignore them when they play with their wedding rings, their infidility is their problem and its not you’re fault. You will be nervous on your first few tricks and think that meeting the dates get easier but it doesn’t.  You will be nervous meeting every person that walks through your door weither they are the first or the hundredth. You will learn very much from…you will almost become a therapist, a safe and discreet for them to talk about their problems. And some will provide you a safe place to talk as well. Oh! And one of your dates will rob you at gunpoint but thankfully you will be smooth about hiding the two grand that is waded up next to you and you will only part with a stray $25.00.  You will be screaming and begging for your life.  But by this point begging for your life will almost be normal to you.
You will start hurting yourself and smoking weed all the time even though right now you don’t believe me.  I know you hate drugs right now, but trust me, you won’t. I know. You will try to kill yourself more than once.  You will spend years just trying to get home.
Your friends that dont trick will never understand.  When you reach out for help they will treat you horribley.  They will call you slut And whore and that will be the end of days that you even have any friends outside of the business.  They will not understand it very easily could have been them. So if I had some advice on that, I would say keep your mouth shut.
Men will make you cringe.  They will scare you.  You will shake and tremble. You wont look people in the face anymore.  Every sound will make you jump.  You won’t eat or sleep.  But you will learn how to please men very well.  They will tell you you are meant for this but it’s not true. You will identify closely with the statement “everybody loves me but nobody loves me.”
Know that it will not be okay for pimps and Johns to hurt you although you will think it is.  You dont need to suck it up even though you will. 
And that waitress you can’t order food from?  It doesn’t get easier. You will need someone to talk to strangers for you for a very long time and I can’t yet tell you when that goes away. Talking to anyone will never get better.
Your ability to forget will be your best asset.  That’s where the weed comes in, and alcohol too
At one point you will be so confused and lost you wont even know the year but you will be glad you don’t remember the day before.
When your best friend tries to run you need to tell her run far because she is going to get found at a hotel.  She will be brought to beach and she will be shot in front of you.  You wont talk for days and you will relive that moment every night for months. And the memory will pop up at random for the rest of your life.  And don’t apologize to him for her either. And never apologize for yourself. It makes me sick the number of times you have apologized to him.
You will do a few small stints in jail. Just short time shit. You will be the smallest one there so you need to watch your back. You will have a jail mom and she will be your saving grace. Your longest stint will be 24 days…unless they revoke your probation but I can’t tell you that yet either, but it’s not likely.
When you leave island finally things will seem normal and okay for a while. But you will mess up and courts will send you back. When you come back don’t answer a call from that girl you once knew.  She is going to help your old pimp find you and you will be stuck in the game all over again.  That’s when all the police trouble will get to it’s most intense. You wont be tricking anymore but your life will still revolve around the game. The police will wanna know what you know because your the girl that knows the most and has been in the longest that they have ever got to talk.
And when you do think you found a way out, know that I have no idea what comes next.
Know that somehow through all of this you manage to still be standing.  You will only cry in private and you will be so far in over your head you can’t even tell anyone all that you know.  Not even the cops.  You will be okay though.  Somehow.  I just can’t tell you how yet.  People will tell you that you are too optimistic but you shouldnt listen. Your optimism will be one of your greatest tools in all of this. You will tell yourself that the next day will be better because it will be all you have to look forward to. You will put your faith in God because you will know that you need a miracle. You will be up at 3:30 in the morning blogging about it one day because its all you can do.
Your smile will save you though.  It will make everyone think that you are okay.  When you are nervous or sad or angry you will laugh histerically.  It will be the only thing you can do to prevent exploding.  And it will be your automatic reaction anyway. Know that that will sometimes cause you problems. You will laugh in court out of pure nervousness even though it’s no laughing matter.
People will tell you that you are as tough as nails and that will make you feel worse because its a lie.  You will know all the pimps in the game, and weeding out the crooked cops from yhe straight ones. You will be asked about the biggest players. And the worst part is that you will know them. You will have to sit back and watch the people ypu have known for years go to jail. You will feel like a snitch but it was the only way to save yourself. You will be 22 and hiding in a safe house because dangerous people want you dead. You should listen to this because this is your future. The only suggestion I have for you, darling?  Stay the fuck away from that party.
Love always,
Yourself…8 years wiser.

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3 thoughts on “If I Could Send 14 Year Old Me A Letter It Might Go Like This…

  1. My heart aches for what you’ve gone through. I think it is so important that you’re speaking out – not just to reclaim yourself, but to make others understand. Are you getting the help you need now? Is there anything that people reading this can do?

    • I am finally getting help :). I hope that some girl will come across this and be able to ask for help to. Or even better be saved from The Game before she even gets in. I want to try to help in a bigger way but I haven’t figured out how yet. Thank you. This blog has become very important to me very fast.

  2. “Like” your post is not the right word here because your post is heartbreaking. What I am “liking” is your courage and your optimism. I wish you strength and healing and I hope that you reach others who can learn from you.

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